Do you know what you want in a partner? Even if you’re married, maybe especially if you’re married, do you know what you want in a partner?

It’s taken me a while to identify precisely what I want. It’s been such an evolutionary process, but the years and experiences have finally taught me where my nervous system is at rest.

Starting with the foundational elements first before the softer ones: I want a sober man. I want an accountable man.

Beginning in 2018 and especially in 2024, I have understood the true nature of alcohol in a way I didn’t think possible. I understand why Allah has explicitly named this one particular drug as the one from which we need to excommunicate ourselves.

I have watched it decay people in the most awful ways, eating beauty both inside and out. Intelligence diminishes, beauty diminishes, morality rusts. Addiction is a reflection of the inability to impulse control, so people need to get clear on the why of this, in order to heal the resulting addiction and step away from it.

What is the trauma which has led to your inability to control impulse, my love?

The answer to this is why I mention sobriety and accountability in the same space. One cannot happen without the other, and a (wo)man who is not accountable is a dangerous individual. They are unsafe, because the moment you point at a behaviour, they throw their hands into the air and declare they’re not responsible. Pay enough attention and you’ll notice their pattern is clear, and they usually land the responsibility on their partner – You made me do it. 

Nah, babe. Be accountable. Be responsible for who you have become after all of the bad choices you’ve been making for years. Stop distancing yourself from your decisions because the decisions you’ve made don’t align with your own moral code. (Reminder: Sin itself is first against ourselves, then against the rules of God.) Instead, start making choices which align to who you would like to be; the one who you see as your highest self, and who possesses the character qualities which actually align to your moral code. And listen; that might be a mother fucker still. But at least it’s one living in truth, not lies.

Either way, heal your bullshit, please; and keep your bullshit to yourself until you do. The Universe will squeeze you until then, right up until you die. (How? Tell me how high your anxiety is when you consider the possible repercussions of your choices – the ones you make in the shadows which you think no one sees – and that’s your answer.)

Both above – sobriety and accountability – are linked to the other character qualities I need in a romantic partner – incorruptible honesty, and revolutionary integrity. A man who is disciplined in all aspects of his life, and who carries dignity in both word and action. Someone not lust-full for other women; someone who doesn’t need the female gaze to feel of value. Someone who will know his own needs and tell me if I’m dropping the ball. Someone who will turn to God before he turns to another woman.

Revolutionary, because I want a man whose biggest concern isn’t what he’s getting on a personal basis, but who is concerned with how he’s making this world better for everyone around him.

I want a man who elevates me as much as I elevate him. I don’t want a man to meet me at my level and stay here; I want someone who is healed, whose done the work, whose owned his shit, and whose making better decisions every single day. I want for us to help one another do the same for each other.

Sidebar: It has, and will always be my preference that a man has gone through hell before we engage romantically. I don’t want someone who has not hit his rock bottom (as I have), because I don’t want him hitting it on my time or at the expense of my nervous system.

Now turning to the softer things. Emotional intelligence, communication, and wit. I need a man who will do bits with me, who will laugh as hard as I do and contribute to the humour equally. I want him to look at me first when someone says something which both of us knows we need to laugh at privately; to look at me first to see if I’ve found the thing funny, whatever the thing might be. I need my home to be a space safe from the pain of the world, and that means softness as soon as I close my front door.

Finally, and because I am such a snuggler, I need a man who is as physically affectionate all of the time and in every situation. I am a hand-holder, a tight and long hugger, and a back rubber. I will touch your knee beneath the table, and lay my forearm on your thigh so I can lean in a little closer. I will play with your hair to calm a nervous system, and kiss the back of your neck when I can reach it. I want you to fall asleep on me while we’re watching television. I want you to come home from work and snuggle. I want you to come out while working and snuggle. I want you to wake me up for more snuggles. I will grab your ass, and lay on top of you to disrupt whatever you’re doing because I like snuggles. There can never be enough snuggles because snuggles and the right touch release oxytocin and regulate nervous systems and bring peace. Essentially, I’m the photo; I’ll untuck your sweater and t-shirt and nicely pressed button downs to crawl inside of them and hang out with you. I will never understand a couple that doesn’t touch all of the time. I imagine that if a man isn’t as affectionate or as snuggly as me, I’d gone very very very very quickly. I’ve not had this problem yet, however. AlhamduliLaah.

Right. Back to you. Do you know what you want in a partner? Even if you’re married, maybe especially if you’re married, do you know what you want in a partner? And what are you willing to do to make sure that your needs are met, my darling?

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