The Hard Monogamist

The following short reflection came up because recently, someone (I absolutely adore) asked if they had a right to articulate a need to their lover of early days.

I realized that it’s become increasingly important to remind one another of the following –

Each and every one of us gets to identify, and then lay claim to the space inside of which we find our heart’s peace and safety. Meaning, not one other person gets to decide this for us, not even our partner.

Simple caveat? You have the right to ask for the moon and stars, and your partner has the right to say Nope. From there,  you decide on next steps; either, one of you recalibrates their safe space, or both of you do, or neither of you do and – if the thing is a deal-breaker, then you break your deal.

If the situation in which you find yourself is not a safe space creating peace, but rather a yoga class where you’re pretzeling your ass over your face in order to fit in while cutting off oxygen to your upside down head?


Because there is absolutely no obligation or coercion within any relationship. NONE. Not even inside the covenant of marriage. This is why we are permitted to seek divorce. Anyone who tells you otherwise and who tries to force you into pretzel is an abusive bully.

And because it needs to be said: Don’t be an abusive bully.

Me as example, and in the context of several conversations which I have had these past few months – I find my calm in hard monogamy and devotion. (Which exist above and beyond the characteristics I look for in a man.) A man won’t get to hold my hand before the monogamy conversation happens. If he tries to reach for my hand on date #1, that conversation is going down immediately.

Not too 2020?
Definitely not for someone who doesn’t share my safe space. Who is someone that would never get a key to my door.
This is not complicated.

Look. I think, ultimately, it’s about being keyed into, and trusting our self-awareness. And then me? I stand on a table and monologue it to the shock and bewilderment of all to see. Or something like that.

If my space of safety isn’t jiving with a prospective dude’s, then no harm and no foul. We go our separate ways.

While this reads so simple in my head, it feels like over the past few years, there’s been an increase in the demand for polyamorous relationships, and an increase in the demand that the “monogamy” conversation isn’t cool to have “too early.”


I’m here to remind you that it’s okay to feel that monogamy is sexy. To say that a wo/man excited about committment only to you is a hell of an aphrodisiac.

It is completely, and unequivocally okay to make clear that if someone is touching the skin of another, they do not have the luxury and lushness of learning your body, too.

[PS Godspeed re the  discovery and respect of your needs, Bébés. May you always have enough love for yourself to go to bat for you, and may you always release those for whom you would not go to bat so that they too may be as loved as they deserve to be. (I! Belieber! In! You!)]

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