The Dawn

What’s your favourite time of day? It’s dawn for me; watching the sun rise, more than seeing it sleep. Everything is quiet, and potential at acme. The sky is so clear at dawn that I’ve been watching shooting stars. The last time I did this was when I was in Egypt in the desert. Before that, over 15 years earlier, in Scotland. The memories are so clear because they are so far between.

If not watching the day break next to the salt water, I’m doing it here. The house is still asleep. Coffee here is excellent and the only sounds are the birds. Yesterday, an iguana came by, and sat on the tree to my left. The yard is full of hummingbirds, drawn to the heart of the banana tree and to the birds of paradise, which are my favourite flower.

On my morning walk yesterday, I found the small shop which makes all of the tortillas for all of the restaurants. Four people inside churning quietly before the street wakes up. They package them and people swing in en route to their own restaurants. Every time I walk past, it’s clockwork. I think maybe they are the first to open and the last to close.

We spent another night by the ocean quietly, the wishes made not for sharing. This is one of the things I love about Brian and Nat. We share very comfortable silences, and always have. I’ve learned this is something not to be taken for granted; there’s few people I like enough to sit in silence with. It’s a different kind of intimacy, and though it can sometimes signal disinterest in the other party, we’re all smart enough to know when it’s the exact opposite, as it is here.

Nat and Brian are one of the few couples around whom I like to spend time. They’re friends, then lovers. It shows in the quality of their interactions and in the softness they extend the other. There is an honesty between them that is only matched by S and A. They’re both guides for me, and they’ll be an important part of my own man’s life. These are people I want to grow old with. I seek the counsel of those whose lives are an expression of what I wish for my own; it would be f.cking weird if I sought the advice of people I neither admired nor respected.

Back to these two. Brian also possesses the kind of drive in a man that I’m naturally drawn to. It’s why he’s good for Nat; her and I hold the same outlook on life and it’s why we were in tune so immediately. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves and aren’t afraid to do so.

I’d been muzzling myself for some time now.

Nat reminded me. She reminded me that this is not who I have ever been and she asked me if this is who I wanted to become? The question was an earthquake. I recalibrated, and pivoted back to myself and to the honesty I’ve always lived by. Here’s the simple truth, I believe whole-heartedly when we are dishonest with ourselves, we can never ever be honest with another.

Because even I know that when someone is lying to themselves, I can see clearly through their lies to me. I just don’t let them know until it’s right for them to become aware. Sometimes that’s never; I’ve watched people live lies for 25 years. That’s their journey, not mine. It’s one I wouldn’t wish on anyone because I think that to live like this is to constantly live turned from your heart. This is a f.cking soul-killer. For a moment, I forgot.

Within 24 hours of the recalibration, the universe offered clarity.

Always, when our intentions are aligned with our actions and beliefs, the universe responds. It clears paths, and points out the areas to which we need to tend. It’s why my natural resting place is to be a Clarice commercial. (It’s one of the reasons I can make people very uncomfortable.) I am grateful even for the challenges, maybe especially for them as it is in these spaces where we grow most. Stagnant waters carry carcasses and rot. Salt waters bring healing and care.

I am being mindful of which I am stood in and ask only that Allah bring forward those with the same clarity in their hearts and minds.


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