The Clear Heart

You’re getting all of the selfies because I rarely post them and I’ve hardly taken any since the hellscape of G@za began.

I am at peace here, which is my way of saying that I’m happy. If my parents weren’t in Ottawa, it’s doubtful I would return. Instead, I’d try to negotiate a teleworking arrangement and stay in this heat. It’s not yet in the cards for me though, so it’s just a lovely fleeting thought for now.

I spend most of my days walking around and talking to as many people as will indulge me. Twice today, it happened; first at home with Naty and Brian, and then with my first stranger.

Nat told me that they were talking about me last night and the effect (affect?) I have had on them these last few days – they are more open and honest with one another because of how I am moving through this world. She called it a power; “that’s how much power you have when people are around you. It’s not even that you force it – but by being around you, we are much more open and honest because you see so clearly.”

I guess that even though they are among the most honest couple I know, even they have room to find more transparency. But what a f.cking compliment this is when I feel as though I‘d lost myself for the last three months.

Let me be a little more clear, because my yesterday language wasn’t. I haven’t been lying to myself. I was honouring something else, but in so doing, I didn’t honour myself. It’s a disservice to everything.

It began last week; my body knew it was thirsty for the transparency I’d been denying it. It was only a matter of time.

After my first couple of hours walking today, I sat with a local who lives in the US now. I had been trying to buy something but failing. They helped. And so we sat to chat over coffee.

We discussed politics, religion and relationships. It happened very naturally, but it was a surprise to them – it takes them years to speak about these things with friends, so why me? They said it’s my openness. I offered that there is also safety in strangers, and while we’re on holiday. My power is not so deep. They pulled out their passport and told me to take a photo; this way, we’re not strangers. Clever. Also smooth. I took the photo and that’s when I asked their views on abortion.

Clarity, right? Which is why I’ve cut all substances. Every single one. Not even the fake nerve settling of nicotine which I’d brought into my world on and off since October. Absolutely no alcohol. I am not interested in fog, in excuses, and in absconding responsibility for anything. I am grateful for every feeling coursing through me, unapologetically. There is neither shame nor pain nor harm here; only love. There is also a balance that had been missing for some time.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose. Thank you, Coach.

My God, I am so grateful to find you again, because I hadn’t realized that I’d simply been holding my breath until last week.

May your Friday fill your hearts with all of the exhales the universe has to offer. You are each of you loved so very dearly.


Comments closed.