Support and love from friends...

M: "Uhmmmm. HEY! So...uhm...I was wondering if you could help me figure something out, yeah?"
T: "Sure. What is it? I'm about to blowdry my hair, but ok..."
M: "Well. So...I was trying to figure out what this song was and I just. I can't."
T: "What've you got?"
M: "...."
T: "Maha?"
M: "Yeah!"
T: "What do you remember from the song?"
M: "...it's kind of lame..."
T: "SERIOUSLY. COME ON."
M: "Jungle night. Jungle bright. GimmeTheOthernaNananananaNAnanananaNaOhoohooohoohohohohohohohohohhohhhhhhh Night'sTheNight GimmeTheOtherGimmeTheOther...OR SOMETHING. I can't sing. You know that."
T: "Jesus that was bad. OH MY GOD WAIT! I KNOW IT!"
M: "Are you lying?"
T: "No...no...I know that ohohohohohohohohohohhhoohohohohohohoh"
M: "It's from the 80s I think? I think I was, like, ten years old or something...I've googled all kinds of different lyrics but nothing..."
T: "Yes! OH! I just heard it in the gym the other day...but I don't think it's jungle light. Try: 'in the night'."
M: "No, I don't think that's it."
T: "Just try it."
M: "K."
T: "Ohohohohohohohohohohohohoh Night'sTheNight.... I love that song."
M: "You didn't even know it before two seconds ago, dude."
T: "Still. It's awesome."
M: "Oh! I found it! OMG. It's called Tarzan Boy by some group called...Balteeemore-ah. This is so great, thank you! I'm gonna buy this right now...I'm so excited. You know what I love about iTunes? I love that it tells you what people who bought this song...what else they've also bought! I'm sure I'll find a lot of really great 80s son...oh wow...oh..."
T: "What?"
M: "Nothing. You should probably get to your hair."
T: "WHAT?"
M: ".........................no one else has ever bought this song."
T: "AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA."
M: "I'M A TRAILBLAZER. Go blow dry yer god damn hair, already."
T: "aaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh-tone.............."

A little old school

Download Luba's Let It Go.

I've been dancing to that song all week (even while at the office) > love the lyrics.

(Psst! Where is Luba?)

Dispatch no4: Plants & Animals at The Drake

Most of you have heard of The Drake, yes? It's one of the most infamous places to be seen and to see in Toronto.

It's there that Janey and I caught Plants and Animals, an (originally) East coast band that had a very familiar Doors feel about their music. We loved everything about them, beginning with their stage presence and ending with their tempered shyness and drinking sense post show.

It was with great pleasure that last night I discovered they were iTunes' featured Free Single of the Week.

The Drake itself was wonderfully small by most standards and had the best Art Garfunkel look-alike bartender


And nicest yet potentially meanest doesn't take shit from anyone manager (on the left) who joined us for drinks post show


And a picture booth(!) into which Janey, Plants & Animals' lead singer and I squeezed in to take pictures


(The strip pictures you can see more clearly here and also here.)

Post The Drake, we went to Rhino where we found one of the world's most disgusting bathrooms (just look at the mirror!)


After which Janey, The Manager and I went and ate Halifax Style Shawerma...I didn't take any pictures because I was too busy eating eating eating.

Excellent night all around where I discovered new music and new food - and to think that I had contemplated staying home that evening...

Now: Go download some Plants and Animals, please.

P.S. You can make fun of all pictures from that evening here...

Download & one political note

The Klonhertz Remix of Owner of a Lonely Heart.
&
My dearest Canada, how you break our hearts.

Randomness (because I'm much too tired for anything more at this very moment...)

.1. On Tuesday of last week, I started a killer new job that I LOVE. I was head-hunted (that's Hot, I know) and I now work directly for A Very Big Cheese. I adore him and my new colleagues are warm and welcoming. It's a crazy amount of work and it's intense, but I appreciate the vote of confidence it took for the head-hunter to head hunt me.

.2. When you have a daughter, be the first man to send her flowers. Make a point of it; if you don't know why I'm recommending you do this, then you need to spend a little more time figuring out (1) how relationships should work, and (2) what a privilege it is to have children.

.3. I had no idea Little Mosque on the Prairie was back. (Thank you, Fathima!) For so many reasons, it meant the world to me last year, and now I don't even know that it's a regularly scheduled program. Strange how things change so dramatically over the course of one little year...

If anyone has taped the season up until now / can download all episodes of this season, please let me know as I'd love to get all caught up.

.4. If your pride rules you, you need to get over yourself and learn to be ruled by the decency in creating and maintaining warm human relations.

.5. I saw PS I Love You and fell in love with William. (It goes without saying that Gerry is a Fox.) It was a beautiful moment when William cradled Holly in his arms, and it made me sort of wish I were her. It did the same thing for the other girls who watched it...

I can't wait to fall in love as though nothing else exists in this world. Just saying that out loud makes me smiley.

.6. I've purchased the film SuperBad and I've already watched it twice. One of my favorite lines in any movie comes from this beautiful and hilarious look into male friendship and it is: "samesies". I love that boy and if there were an older version of him, I think he would satisfy my last sentiment of no. 6 above.

.7. I ordered an Optimus Prime doll from eBay. A REAL LIVE DOLL!! I can't wait to receive Him.

.8. For the record: If I had to date a robot, it would be Optimus Prime. He's sensitive and smart, he transforms (!), he can throw a mean punch and I believe we share the same perspective on humanity.

.9. I eat snow-peas while grocery shopping. Last I did this, a woman was staring at me and I could feel her thinking: Thief.

Does this make me a thief? Should I maybe weigh them and pay for them and then do my grocery shopping?

.10. Except for a misplaced blip, life has been really good, Alhamdulilah. The first couple of weeks post vacation brought back some hurt from 2007, but that's subsided at a surprisingly rapid rate and I hope this is the tone of 2008.

Download

1973 by James Just Call Me Annoying Blunt.

I've been listening to this song against my own will because James Blunt, in his entirety, is one of my greatest pet peeves.

The first time I heard You're Beautiful, I almost committed a crime.

The first time I heard Goodbye My Lover, I started yelling 'Shut Up!' and crying.

And then he had to go and write a good song.

Uhm. You're still annoying, though, James.

Is this real?

Uh. My friend sent this to me with the caption 'OH MY GOD'.



Does anyone know if this is real? Because if it is, and if they're still rocking and rolling, I want to join and spin with the boy who seems to dance to the beat of his own drummer...and fiddle...and harmonica...and maybe even the ping of his own triangle...

So...

Janey was giving me 'directions' as thus: "Go South - that means down the hill, towards a clock tower, Maha - blablabla" because she knows that directions confuse me to no end, especially when people get all technical and start using big words like North and West.

In preparation for the weekend, we were emailing back and forth lines such as: "YAY!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Less than 24 hours and I get to see your beautiful face!"

"Just come up to the building, say 'Baby Jane', I will hear you and I will come running to see your gorgeous face!"

"I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU MORE!"

"love,
lame-o"

"You mean, love,
wonderful-o"

Pretty strange sh*t, I know. But Baby Jane is the only female in whose lap I could put my head, have her play with my hair and be completely comfortable. Furthermore, she's the only one of my exquisite friends who I have actually tucked into bed, and whose hair I've stroked until she fell asleep because she'd had a rough day. No one questioned her when saying "Maha is the best person to play with your hair! It's how I got to sleep!"

She's also the only one with whom I share a strange affection for poutine, with chili powder and a little mayo. (You did read that right.)

Anyway, I'm excited for this weekend both because I get to hang out with such a spectacular woman, but also because I also get to hang out with her mum, whose coming over tonight in order to get caught up. Janey's mama is a first class woman who shares my Crack fetish and who raised Janey with the rule "no boys on the second floor", as well as all of the proper lady-like guidelines of etiquette pertaining to hosting, guest-ing and general "tips and tricks every woman should know".

When Janey first moved to Toronto, she was living at home with mama in the heart of Toronto - we would breakfast every morning on the little iron patio that sat off the kitchen and which overlooked the massive backyard, and the drop off into nothing but green. There are only a few such places in the centre of Toronto, this being one of them. Mama always had a full breakfast and pot of coffee at the ready for us.

As for Toronto itself, I've not been back since a relatively psychotic weekend of partying in September of 2005 at the Toronto International Film Festival. The night Janey and I were together was the night we met Morgan Freeman and LL Cool J, the night I found out that Dylan McDermott was a little short, the evening I hung out with Kim Coates and made fun of people, as well as the first evening I was petitioned to be the third to a threesome and laughed so hard at the proposition that the retarded and likely disease-filled couple thought I was crying.(1)

We'll see what happens this weekend...but before I go, I strongly recommend you download the acoustic version of "You've Placed A Chill In My Heart" because Annie is a queen.

Have a warm and shiny weekend!
**********
(1) Update: Janey and I are both convinced this is false and that I have, in fact, been back to Toronto since 2005. The only thing of which we're certain is that it wasn't in 2007. Strange, how our collective memory sucks.

Download

The song "Dancing" by Elisa - her voice is heartbreaking and the lyrics equally so...

Lordz of Brooklyn

I love rap because it serves as the perfect backdrop to my beep-boxing and hidden talent: playing spoons and every once in a while come across a talented group whose music and lyrics blow my mind.

All of the groups and individuals to whom I've pointed you are all exceptionally gifted artists. More importantly, they're all politically charged and socially active individuals who have powerful messages to deliver.

Meet The Lordz of Brooklyn.

Augusta the band

I rarely come across music I wouldn't normally listen to and then magically enjoy it. Well, tonight I did just that.

Here's a little pointer to some local talent who go by the name of Augusta.

On my way home and with the world's bestest ice cream in hand, I went into Videoflicks where I was served by the prettiest person in the world - honestly, the girl was beautiful - who just happened to be playing some Augusta.

The girl looked very young and so when I asked who she had on, she said "some kids I went to high school with" and I said 'kids? high school? and they play this well? you have very pretty skin. and even with your cap on in that manner, you are still really beautiful because the shocking blue of your cap works to accentuate your beautiful face. kids? i'm really old. i should really get on fixing things. lovely lovely lovely skin you have. but it's just not as good as this ice-cream. prailines and cream. i think i'll pick up some pizza on my way home. mmmm', and by that I mean: "really? that's awesome. do they have a cd?"

Check them out - listen to their stuff and give them a chance. You'll be pleasantly surprise, I promise.

Download

Jascha Heifetz
Bach, Sonatas & Partitas
The Heifetz Collection, Volume 17

Listen to it as you daydream, laying outside on this beautiful gift of green earth while the grass kisses you and the leaves cool you.

Make certain you download

Overkill by Men at Work.

NOTHING compares to the 80s.

Bring it, Charles

This evening, I came home to Charles.

We live in La Bohème and do nothing but sit in cafés and visit with our voisins. Et ça veut dire que nous sommes jolie and we have les nuit blanche filled with crème or at least that’s what I think our nights are filled with because I sometimes have a hard time understanding him especially when he uses the word “kaka” which I’m told is not actually a word. In any language. Let alone la langue de l’Amour. L’Amour in French has a capital ‘A’ and Charles has a way of talking about bread and making it sound zegzy. Much like “kaka”.

He sings to me all the time and sometimes, he stops singing and starts talking all zegzy like and he talks of things I don’t understand because he’s in French, remember? What are you stupid that you don’t remember I just mentioned that, like, three sentences back?

Anyway. Where was I? I don’t understand all of Charles, but then I hear the French words “amooo” and “rrrrrrr” and “ooooooo” and I melt.

And when he really wants to slow things down, he starts singing to me in ‘English’ but it’s really his impression of a four year old boy because I’m pretty sure that’s how old he was when he wrote these lyrics:

You are the one
for me
for me
for me
forrrrrmidaaaaaaable

You are my love
very
very
very
verrritable

Et je voudrais pouvoir un jour enfin te le diiiiiiiiire
Te l’ecriiiiiire
Dans la laaaaaaaaangue de Shakespeare

My desire
desire
desire
desire
desiraaaaaaaaaable

…and I start singing back loudly and imagining I’m sporting white go-go boots and a mini skirt and I dance around with my hands in the air pretending I have some sense of rhythym as I bump into nos voisins and our furniture and knock over the crème that was supposed to fill our nuits blanche and Charles just watches and smiles at me and even laughs and makes funny noises like “heh” and “hmmmm” and “hum hum ha hum” which are French for “I’m hot!”

I often wonder for whom the Bitch tolls when he sings qu’il n’a rien oublié . This is Charles’s only secret.

That and how he’s managed to keep his eyebrows such a dark shade of black.

Download Charles Aznavour’s. Désormais, Les Plaisirs Demodés, For me…Formidable, La Bohème, & Non, Je N’ai Rien Oublié. ALLEZ, VITE!

My Friend Waldo

.1. Stop everything. Now, go download Mobile’s ‘See Right Through Me’. Thing is, and what most of you don’t know is that your life has it’s own natural built-in Soundtrack and this song is The song that you’ll need as you’re walking away from something old, tired, painful and completely finished.

It’s that song, and when that song comes on, you’ll have just closed that door, smiled your most incredible heartbreaking smile and started walking away without so much as a glance over your shoulder.

(I have no idea what the lyrics are, and am too scared to check just in case they're about a boy whose groveling to be let back in. Damn the lyrics that don’t match the tune; I shake my fist at them.)

.2. Was rocking out to another tune which you must also download immediately. If you mock this, you may bite my a*s and never come back here again: Barry White’s ’You’re the First, the Last, My Everything’.

If this song doesn't make you dance then you're "a cold hearted snake. Look into his eyes. Wu-ooooh, he's been tellin' lies." Pauvre Paula.

.3. H, my hilarious and stunning girlfriend lost God-only-knows-where in the Far East has finally found me. We usually fall off one another’s radar – only in the form of email but never in our thoughts and hearts – for a few months until someone sends a “WHERE ARE YOU?” email and then we chat for a few weeks and it’s back to Start.

The first nickname I gave her was “WOZ” because it suited the immense personality stuffed into the body of a dancing pixie. WOZ is a trained dancer, watch out Britney!, and is the size of a pixie. When she sleeps over, I lay a tissue in some Crack and off she naps.

More recently, I’ve taken to calling her “Waldo” only because of where she is (or isn’t). I laugh every time I type ‘Waldo’, as in “Are you high, Waldo?” or “Whose the Asian dude, Waldo?” or “Waldo, I’ve missed you”.

Over the past few months I’d been having vivid dreams that Waldo had fallen into thousands of silk fabrics somewhere in Thailand and no one was able to find her. And then D, her guy, left because he was hungry.

Actually, I did no such thing but it makes me laugh to think of Waldo stuck between those huge fabrics rolls.

Waldo is the only individual with whom I speak and can not stop laughing. Our conversations are a little insane because the worst, most offensive non-pc dribble comes out of both our mouths. Ergo, in today’s email I asked: “Is (insert name of our friend, the actor) still a homo?”. I don’t know why or how it happens, but it just does and I’m usually left snorting, drooling, and doubled-over laughing hysterically. Our effect on one another is most definitely unique and anything but calming. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I wouldn’t trade her for a million Gerry Butlers (screaming crotch et al.).

It’s been a few years since we’ve seen one another in real time, and if there’s one thing I miss, it’s her laugh because no one else laughs like her; for a dancing pixie, her laugh is a bellow and anything but diminutive. Will see if she can make me a recording of it so that I may then podcast that sh*t here; You won’t believe your ears and you’ll fall in love with her as quickly as I did...

...the first time I met her at Oliver’s Pub (on campus) many moons ago. I was seated with Puma and we invited her to join us. I said something funny, she busted my eardrums and we lived happily ever after, her lost in the Far East and me everywhere else…

I miss that laugh, Waldo. Isn't it time you f*cking came home, already?

Fundraising with pappy

Whenever my dad picks me up to go somewhere, I usually try to pimp his ride. He has a nice little Mercedes and so it’s only natural that I try to embarrass him.

Yesterday, I decided to play Akon’s Bananza (Belly Dancer). Daddy usually ignores me and pretends nothing’s changed in the car. This leads me to believe I may have to do something more drastic like taping a spoiler to the car before I get in and then taking it back with me before I leave him. We’ll see.

The Fundraiser was quite nice, and it was put on by a well-reputed 26 year old Muslim organization . I wasn’t really paying attention to one of the speakers, but didn’t think it was all that obvious until my father leaned in and asked me what I was doing.

I asked him what he meant by his question and he told me I was swaying and he wanted to know why. I told him I was feeling dizzy and excused myself to the washroom. I don’t even know if people actually sway when they’re dizzy, but I bet my dad doesn’t know the answer to that either. In reality, I had actually been bopping to abovementioned Bananza in my head.

Best part of the evening was when I as usual made a complete fool of myself at our dinner table. My dad had another engagement last night and he told me that he had to leave at 8:30 pm. And so, like the good little girl that I am, 8:30 pm rolled around and I put my fork down, packed up my purse, looked at everyone seated with us, indicated how lovely it was to meet them, shook some of their hands and proceeded to stand up.

My father looked at me and enquired: “Where are you going?”
“It’s 8:30, baba.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Aren’t you?”
“No. Not until dinner’s over, Maha.”
“Oh.”
“It’s rude to leave in the middle of dinner.”
“Oh. Ok.”

Whatev, daddy. I sat back down and continued eating my salad, but not before I said to the table at large: “It is nice to meet you”.

And remember how my dad forgot my birthday last year? I told him I’d send him a reminder this year and that he could either buy me a condo, or just give me a lot of cash next month. He laughed at me as I ate my salad and stared at him in wonder.

Beats: Purchase Karuan’s Dohuki Ballet cd. It’s classified as Electronic, but I think the music industry should come up with a new term for the East meets West genre that’s growing at an insane pace. Something as simple as ‘Eastern Lounge’ would be enough to draw my eye.

Random Thoughts (because I’m simply too tired to write one long essay)

Q: Who would you rather date? Mr. Stealth or Mr. Manipulative? Once you’ve thought about this, come back and let me know which is best in your opinion and why.

Comment: Yo! What is wrong with the Pope, that he says something so completely off-base and potentially devastating?

Download: ‘Chasing Cars’ & ’Run’ by Snow Patrol, as well as ’Comin’ Home’ by City and Colour (Dallas Green).

A recent conversation, after a cluster bomb fell on my personal life a couple of days back:
“I see a nugget! It’s that abcdef didn’t happen.”
“…silence from your blog mum…”
“What is it, Theirblogmum?”
“I don’t see it?”
“What’s that?”
“I can’t see the nugget.”
“What do you see?”
“I still only see the pile of shit.”
“LOOK FOR THE NUGGET.”
“…more silence from your blog mum…”
“No. I don’t see it.”
“Actually, neither do I. I can’t see any fucking nuggets. Golden or otherwise.”
& the inevitable eruption of laughter and strength in sisterhood which only comes with years and years of a trusted friendship.

And on to my random thoughts…
…about People:
.1. This morning, I came across a girl wearing a sweater with COMMERCE emblazoned on the front. Just to be a flake, I enquired if she was studying Art History. She didn’t get it. I still think it’s funny.

.2. People without eyelashes freak me out in the same manner that people who blink too much make me dizzy. They hold a vacant, doll-like appearance and are hence really creepy. I see one of these ‘individuals’ regularly and they fascinate me to no end.

This same person incorporates in to their speaking mannerisms one of my biggest pet peeves…

.3. The shrugging while talking pet peeve. You know this person; they speak and shrug in tandem. It’s the physical equivalent of the comment “I’m too week to stand by my opinion. I like beer. And McNuggets. Kind'a.”.

One verbal example of this action: “I think that politically, they hold the moral high ground. But I could be wrong, maybe? I don’t know. I’m not really sure about my opinion. I hope you’re not paying any attention to me. Let me shrug it off, because I’m a big pansy”

It’s the physical embodiment of sitting on the fence.

Get an opinion and stick to it, already. (But if it’s wrong, be prepared to learn and change…because you want to, and not because you feel pressure to do so. If it’s pressure, then you really are just a pansy and ought to stick to shrugging.)

.4. AND MAKE EYE CONTACT. For the love of all things transparent and concrete, MAKE EYE CONTACT AND HOLD IT. I find it so unusual when someone doesn’t make eye contact with me, as we’re having a conversation. What’s on the white wall? What’s so fascinating about the brown berber carpet? What's on your knee? I'm usually inclined to ask.

I get this annoyed when speaking with someone whose wearing sunglasses. It’s rude and puts me on edge because warning bells go off: fear, insecurity, indifference, staring at your boobs, malice and/or lying. Take your pick, cus the sunglass wearer is sure to be up to at least one of them.

Am off to a fundraiser with my pappy; I hope he doesn't bid on anything hideous. Will be back later to fill you in on the details of our evening.

What a day

I’ve spent most of my day seated cross-legged on my front step with my PowerBook for a companion. All I’ve done is write, write and write. On occasion, I got up and walked barefoot through the grass just to find a sense of green.

I managed to finally:
- Uploaded some photos from my Scotland travel diary which, as you can see, is no small measure (if you click on the images, you’ll be taken to the larger shot where you can actually read the text, which is pretty cool):



















- I’ve started writing out some of my notes from Scotland (a year later) in order to share them with you in the coming weeks.
- Mail out some gifts that had been wrapped and ready to go for the last three months.
- Got to Bridgehead for some more quiet writing time over an iced latte (am officially addicted).

And the highlight of my day was running into a very old friend who I’d not seen in around 8 years (she’d moved to Japan for two years and then to Italy). I was driving down the street when I whipped right past Doris and recognized her beautiful face and…oddly enough…her hair. I did a quick u-turn and we chatted for about 10 minutes, promising to get together very soon. Seeing her smile brought back a lot of memories and, erm, Duran Duran’s ’Come Undone’.

You’ll be seeing quite a bit of me over the next few days and so I hope you won’t tire too quickly.

In keeping with my once-in-a-while recommendations, a little rough rock n roll today. Download Stone Sour’s following five songs: Through Glass, Inhale, Bother, Blue Study, and Take A Number.

That Gerry Butler Thing

I’ve already shared with you a variation of the conversation Gerry Butler and I had while at TIFF. After that blog entry, I received an even more entertaining influx of emails; I never responded to any of them and the last one, is posted here (minus a few words I'm not prepared to share):

so u r ignoring my emails probably because u have nothing to say? i think not but i think u r ignoring my emails because u know im right!

i KNOW that u were at toronto festival and i KNOW that Gerry liked u. i KNOW he kept looking at u. i KNOW that u 2 were cozy everyone there saw and that he whispered 2 u alot.

and u r always in montrael? i don't think this is coincidence. or that u were recently in NEW YORK WHILE GERRY THERE? coincidence? NOT!!!!

u r a bitch anyway. f#$k u.

Mary Larry

I'm having mixed feelings about this entire situation and thought perhaps you could help me sort it out. Although, you know, as usual, most of my feelings land in the pit of comedy.

Gerry Butler is somewhat of a public figure. Let's play devil's advocate and go with the more illicit scenario (they're the most fun, anyway) of what could be running through this woman's head. Let's say: I bagged Gerry Butler. What then? What does a woman such as this expect?

I think she expects me to blog about the faux scenario she seems to have concocted and so...
I'm going to appease this weirdo's needs and offer that faux and sacrificial blog entry.

Title: "I Bagged Gerry Butler and Just Found Out About It!!"

Body of Text: Dear Diary. OH MY GOD, I BAGGED GERRY BUTLER!!!!!!! I did it behind my own back and just found out about it this morning! He's really tall and has great hair. It was, like, something really important. Almost as important as, like, in those AWESOME Scottish Highlander Romance Novels and the guy's name is Girth McHung. Only in this case it was Gerry Butler (without the Mc, diary).

I don't know why no one's asked me for the gritty details because I really want the world to know that he's the size of a Tsunami. Heh. You don’t think anyone's going to think I'm dirty, do you diary? Gosh, I hope not, 'cus I really really really like Gerry Butler and I think we totally connected. I saw how he looked at me. He was SO INTENSE, like, with his eyes and stuff, and it couldn't have been because he was drunk, 'cus he doesn't drink. Maybe he was high and staring at me and wondering where he could find some peanuts? Or maybe drywall and cardboard 'cus I think that's all they're allowed to eat in Hollywood. To stay thin, you know? I dunno. It's cool, anyway, I could totally tell he was into me. Did I already mention that we had a connection? I totally felt it when he grabbed my boob. TOTALLY. We're soul mates. SQUEE. I BAGGED GERRY BUTLER!!!!!!!!!!

I think he feels the same way, too. He told me so! And you know that like because he's a GOD & an ACTOR, he would, like, never lie, diary. You know, 'cus that would make him some kind of gigantic meanie, and we already know that the 'gigantic' part belongs elsewhere. Get it? I mean, like he's Gerry Butler McHUNG. I mean he has a huge hoo hoo. HA HA HA!!!

Did I tell you we had a connection? He stared at my eyes (and I'm pretty sure he wasn’t thinking about peanuts).

I wrote a poem for him, diary. I'll find him and impale him on it give it to him even if he's lying because I'll totally be cool with JUST the memory that we connected. Totally. And I know Gerry Butler thinks about me every day. I can feel it!

Ok, so here's my poem:
I love you Gerry Butler
You make me feel like a piece of melted butter

i luv u Gerry Butler And you're totally intense

i heart Gerry ButlerAnd you should change your last name to McHung
Especially if the Hollywood thing
Gerry Butler ROCKSdoesn't
that's Mr. Gerry Butler to you!work out
And you have to do porn instead

we'll make pretty babies Gerry Butler and II love you
but we won't let their last name be McHungI love you Gerry Butler

...wait, diary. Maybe that's not a poem. Maybe it's a haiku? Don't you totally dig the way the lines aren't lined up? I hear that poets who do that are really smart. I don't know what it means, but that's okay cus I'm pretty sure Gerry Butler won't know either. He'll just stare at it and wonder where I've hidden all of the peanuts. But he'll have to highlight it to find the hidden poem in the empty spaces! I'm so smart, aren't I, diary?

I'm so happy I have you to write to, diary. Even if you're on-line and not password protected and my picture's on the side, I think this is the safest place to be discreet.

I have to go now, diary. I love you almost as much as I love GERRY BUTLER!
Xoxo
Maha

For the record:
Gerry Butler didn't "like" me in the McHung sort of way, he was merely pleasant and gracious because we met through a special individual.

Gerry Butler didn't have the time to look at me. If he glanced at me more than once it was probably while he was thinking "...she looks like someone who carries peanuts...".

Gerry Butler didn't whisper to me.

Gerry Butler and I were anything but cozy.

& p.s. because I've not done this in a while: Download B.B. King's entire album Makin’ Love Is Good For You. Although released only a few years ago, it's vintage.

Hawksley Workman

Last I saw Hawksley Workman perform was on a hot summer night two years back.

Earlier this evening, I watched him perform in The Bronson Centre (a high school auditorium which became home to myself and 799 others).

I would avoid discussing this if I could, but I can't: He opened the show with three slow songs (one he appropriately referenced as being "for the birds"), pulled out a bullhorn and even tapped on a xylophone. I almost bit clear through my fist trying not to laugh out loud.

I won’t even get into the visual trauma inflicted by the BANDANA HE WORE BENEATH HIS FEDORA. Scandalous this, Hawksley.

Fortunately, song no. 4 brought Hawksley back to his audience and allowed me to forgive both his choice of opening songs and BANDANA. He is, after all, part Vaudeville show and part Opera singer and so severely melodramatic.

Listening to him perform live is like being slowly covered by drips of something hot, heavy and filmy. You will never want to take a shower again. Sexy this, Hawksley.

In this order, download:
Tarantulove
Smoke Baby
Anger As Beauty
Striptease
Jealous of Your Cigarette
No Sissies
We Will Still Need A Song

Good night, kittens.

Music To Download

I’ve noticed that it’s been some time since I gave you a few recommendations and so today you’ll get four. They’re all political. They’re all rap. The last one’s as hardcore as they come and I recommend you sample it before buying.

.1. “The Point of No Return” by Immortal Technique
.2. “Harlem Streets” by Immortal Technique
.3. “Field N*gga Boogie (XLR8R Remix)” by Public Enemy & Immortal Technique
.4. “Blackout Special” by Scram Jones & Immortal Technique

…you see the trend…
Rock introduced me to Immortal Technique.

A Bisexual & A Pedophile In An Irish Bar

.1. In preparation for St. Patrick’s Day celebration, have been listening to The Latino Bisexual.

Some call him Ricky Martin.

The fast tracks on his new CD (released Oct ’05) Life are bum-shaking awesome. I encourage you to dl ”I Am”; it’s one of the best & most mindless songs I’ve heard in a long time.

The Latino Bisexual was the first celebrity I had a crunch on. I was 9 and he was 12 (he was so old) and I didn’t understand Spanish but I understood “pretty”, and he was just that. With his soft feathered hair and big puppy dog eyes, he reminded me of my stuffed animals and so I was under direct obligation to crunch on him.

If only innocence remained as such…

.2. But with age comes attraction to foxes like Gerry Butler:



Who recently finished shooting 300 (in Montreal) where he wears a leather Speedo for the duration of the film. In his leather Speedo, Gerry Butler looks like this:



& like this:



Which is fine…but personally, I prefer it when Gerry Butler does the robot (& as this photo clearly illustrates, he does so well).

.3. Yesterday, I purchased a t-shirt that reads: Nerds need love too. Now I just need a hoodie with D.O.R.K. emblazoned on the back. If anyone finds one, please let me know.

.4. T has taken the day off work today and is heading out to the Heart & Crown at 1 p.m. to begin St. Patrick’s Day celebration. I’ll be joining her closer to 5 once I leave the office. Am feeling quite festive today and so decided to wear my green Care Bears t-shirt with a shamrock toting Care Bear and Lucky written on it.

I’ve not bothered with an actual St. Patrick’s Day celebration for the last few years; the closest I came was at the Montreal parade three years back, when I was accosted by a drunken Irish guy who wouldn’t let me walk away until I agreed to wear a headband that had two huge sparkly green shamrocks springing from it. They were heavy and every time I moved, it felt as though my entire head was bouncing.

I eventually forgot that I was wearing it and so kept it on for hours.

This year should bring interesting stories, memories & photos. Shall post whatever happens later tonight (I expect to be home relatively early as the girls are starting at 1 and most likely close to finishing by the time I arrive. Chances are, I’ll be stuffing them in to a cab by 7 or 8).

.4. Am uncertain as to how I forgot, but one of the most important memories from Denver is The Jesus. The Jesus who said: “…I’ll pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click"”, which is one of the funniest and most ridiculous lines in the history of film.



I was laying down when I heard it and laughed so hard that I almost choked.

Check this out! It’s just. Wow. WOW.

I wonder if they’ll let me join…I could work a purple body suit & a hairnet. But my body suit will read: “Mohammed”. And then I’ll get killed. Because it’s in Texas. Where they don’t like Islamics.

I’m goin’ to hell. But at least I’ll have a purple body suit.

Disgruntled Boys, Whores & Petrol Samosas

.1. I pulled out all of my U2 CDs and loaded them into my iTunes. While doing this, I found that I had two copies of the Achtung Baby CD.

And then I remembered why.

I pulled out the inside covers and found a note in the proper one.

While in 4th year university, I was given this second copy of the CD from a boy whose initial I won’t even place on this blog. He was…a little agitated with me…and decided that:

“Maha:
Tracks 5, 6 and 11 should be your national anthem.”

Respectively, he’s talking about:
Whose Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
So Cruel
&
Acrobat

My initial thought was: Can I have three anthems?
And then I contemplated: Should he have an ‘s’ at the end of ‘anthem'?

Today I’m thinking: He must have really disliked me.

Anyone want a used Achtung Baby CD? (Disgruntled Note included.)

.2. I’ve recently thought about Damiana and the 90 year old in Garcia Marquez’s Memories of My Melancholy Whores, and unlike my initial impression, I gotta tell ‘ya…I’m not all too pleased with either of these characters at the moment.

It really must have been my mood and the atmosphere, because now I think: Damiana’s an idiot for loving anyone for 20 weeks, let alone 20 years (!), who couldn’t love her back; and the 90 year old is just a coward.

“We would have made a good team”; Who takes themselves seriously enough to say shit like that? Not even characters in books should be so imbecilic.

And apparently, I need a little more romance in my life.

Erm. I still do recommend you read the book. If not for anything, the writing is beautiful (or, I should write: the translation is beautiful).

.3. Remember the dudes who gave you my last musical recommendation?

Michael, who is a part of Petrol Bomb Samosa sent me an e-mail, thanking me for mentioning them (how kind!) and pointing me to their home on the interWeb (www.downdogrecords.com): Down Dog Records.

Go take a peek & make certain to listen to the mp3s; these guys are brilliant!

Support them by purchasing from them directly…

.4. The Philosopher Kings are finally working on new tunes (finally!).

In preparation for what will hopefully be an excellent new set from these masters, download The New Messiah (but not the live version). It’s good for nights like tonight, when the wind’s rattling your windows…

Belly dance to this

Two of the sexiest belly dance tunes that you simply must download are:

Daret Al Ayam (by: Ro-Je)
&
Zenia (by: Petrol Bomb Samosa)

Holy WOW.

You can find both of these on Electric Oasis: Exotic Arabic Grooves, which I picked up at the HMV on St-Catherine in Montreal. They have an extensive electronica section in the basement; look for camels on the covers of CDs...those will be the ones indicating 'Arabic' grooves. Stupid god damn packaging, but killer tunes.

Would you like to touch my hair?

.1. That question should be asked before you attempt to touch anyone’s hair. Or, better still, you really ought to receive an invitation to do so…I would think this could be something especially sexy (or downright creepy, depending on who’s doing the inviting).

A little while back, T and I were at the movie theatre enjoying a film. We were the only ones in our row, and there were either 5 or 6 boys seated directly behind us. Everyone else in the theatre was to the front of us.

I had my hair down and I had it flung over the back of my seat; I was sitting quite low in my seat and so this was the best way for me to be comfortable because my hair is long.

About a half an hour into the movie, I felt something on my hair, but I didn’t think much of it. Not even the second time, about 5 minutes later. The third time I felt a hand slide across my hair; I think the button on the boy’s sleeve tugged on my hair, and so my senses immediately went into overdrive and I figured out what he was doing. He was playing with my hair.

He was unabashedly touching my hair. This boy who I don’t know.

He was only about 16 years old and so, rather than embarrass him I just opted to sit up and pull my hair forward. I was mildly annoyed, but it wasn’t worth making a fuss.

That was the same evening a couple of gummy bears melted between my legs, but I’ll tell you about that some other time (and it’s really neither as perverted nor as unhygienic as it sounds…).

Earlier today, I should have recalled my feeling of “mildly annoyed” with the little boy.

I went out at lunch and was on the escalator in the shopping mall. (Although I think Madonna is crazy and hasn’t released anything worth shit since Like a Prayer, I felt obligated to purchase Confessions on a dance floor.) In front of me was a woman who had the most extraordinarily beautiful weave. It was this long wavy thick black hair and I was mesmerised by it.

For the first 5 steps, I contemplated touching her hair. Honestly, I couldn’t help myself. When we reached the 6th step, I reached out and touched her hair. I petted her. And then a man walked past us on the escalator and looked at me like I was a psychopath.

Rather than keeping my mouth shut, I kind of mumbled “It’s so soft”. He smiled, cocked an eyebrow and kept going down the stairs.

She never turned around (probably because she was arguing with her boyfriend “you’re such an asshole!” on her mobile). Lucky me.

.2. T lost 15 pounds. As a joke, she’s being introduced as thus: “This is T. She’s lost 85 pounds.”

She doesn’t think it’s as funny as we do.

.3. Madonna’s back.

Download Sorry…and then download Forbidden Love...

Warm Company & Great Music

.1. A whole lot o' you keep asking me to open up the Comments field on this blog.

Guess what?

Comments are now open, beginning at Cusack ushers me into my Carlsberg years.

Go crazy.

.2. Last night had a great evening with three brilliant and hilarious women. No matter where L is, her place is always home. She has this unique ability to find the most incredibly rustic apartments (& this new one of hers is no exception). As soon as I walked in, I felt as though I had just arrived, at home.

On the way out, R made a good point; that it is L's Art History major that gives her the talent and the know-how for making any space comfortable to any visitor.

With my strawberry and cinnamon tea, I sat in the rocking chair for our 5 hours of private heaven, our soundtrack being The Best of Bill Evans on Verve (think Chet, but without the vocals). This morning, I woke up thinking: I can't wait to see these women again, and soon.

.3. One of this generation's greatest contributions to the world of music is Enigma's MCMXC a.D. (Limited Edition). No matter where I might be, this CD is always with me, and that's the way it's been for the last 14 years.

Random Daddy Notes

.1. I work with Fernando. Every time I run into him, I want to pull on white bellbottoms, dance and sing "Are the stars bright, Fernando?"

Even when seated in meetings, I want to do this.

.2. Three more days until am 31.

Do hope that should Tamer Hagras not be able to 2ukhtubni, on the occasion of my 31st birthday, he will at least send me flowers.

.3. Pick up Dzihan & Kamien's "Fakes". It's an excellent double CD and Track 2 on CD 1 (Homelands) will make you want to turn off the lights, blast the music and ignore the world.

GODSPEED!

.4. Dinner with dad was excellent. He's contemplating purchasing a summer flat in either Beirut or Cyprus, which would be so much fun! I love it when he decides to throw money around so casually.

He's a big property man, and so he tried to convince me to buy something in Montreal. But, I'd rather just let him do it, which he will...eventually.

.5. Recall the Gigantic Pheronic Head daddy won at the silent auction last year. At dinner, he asked me if I wanted it.

I declined and didn't even bother hiding my horror at his query.

I recommended he return it to CEPAL on the anniversary of the auction, telling them they could re-auction it.

This way, I'll never inherit it.

I love you, ya baba.

.6. I am going to Hell (staghfara Allah al3azeem) because I find things like this funny:



Philosophically, due to our human nature to fault, this is an impossibility; we can never "stop" (the goal is to be in a constant state of trying to stop). If we could "stop" sinning, we wouldn't be human...

The sign really should read: Try to cool it. I know it's hard, but just give it a shot every once in a while. You'll sin because you're human and you can be a real idiot sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. It's inevitable; just try to do it at varying intervals in your life and when you do...just you know. I don't know. Hey Bob, do you know? Okey doeky. Erm. That's it for me. Bye.

Hell. (& at 600 miles an hour is how fast I'll be going).

One song worth downloading

The Orb's A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain that Rules from the Centre of the Ultraworld (Orbital Dance Mix).

I don't usually dig The Orb because their music gives me the heebie-jeebies. But this tune, mixed in this way, is worth finding.

Music to get lost in

Get Arabian Travels.

Don't walk. RUN.

Personal Cinematic Notes

.1. Eid Mubarak – Inshallah this next year will bring peace and happiness to your families and across this little earth of ours.

.2. Have been reading about the Knights Templar and they are most definitely one creepy fundamentalist bunch. Considering the intricacies between the Templars (who took their name from the Temple Mount, after they camped out in Al-Aqsa Mosque to dig below it in search of whatever craziness they believed was there) would think it most intriguing if someone did an analysis of their role, their secrets, their intentions with regards to the current political situation in the Middle East. (Their heirs are whom we now know as the Masons.)

.3. Hugh Grant gives good hand. Saw Bridget Jones’ Diary: The Edge of Reason last night and for all you men out there, watch Hugh and learn. You must see the film to understand.

.4. And on that note, how is it that I had no idea Bridget was in theatres last night? The Hollywood folk seem to have created some sort of air of mystery around their release dates as of late (…perhaps it has to do with the Templars…).

.5. Last night also, saw a great little home town band at The Highlander. First time in The Highlander (there last when it was Coffee Revolution) and quite enjoyed myself. Fun group of regulars and I couldn’t help but be reminded of Carleton University’s Mike’s Place. Highly recommended if you enjoy good 70’s tunes and a cozy little everybody knows everybody sort of atmosphere.

Note to you: Or if you simply like to ogle men in kilts.

.6. Did a typically Maha thing in the elevator today. Was leaning back against the mirrors, and being bothered by the hair (my own, thankfully!) in my face. Carrying a tray and three bags, I couldn’t exactly use my hands to move the hair out of my face, nor did I think it appropriate that I ask either the man or the woman standing with me to do so. Decided it would be best to use my own head movement to move said hair out of face and so swooshed head back and expected hair to follow suit. Problem was I had forgotten about the lovely mirror that was propping me up and so when I swooshed my head back, it came to an abrupt stop when it swooshed at high velocity right into the mirror. Immediate reaction was to laugh out loud, which I did. Alone.

.7. Would you like to join me in New York on the 27th of December? The Trans-Siberian Orchestra is playing there. They only have one show in Canada in Toronto on the 30th of November and I rang TicketMaster and they’re sold out, the BASTARDS! If you’ve not heard their music, I highly recommend that you download Christmas Eve in Sarajevo.