Do you remember the store Consumers Distributing? It was basically a store without a display area, where you walked in, chose what you wanted from a catalog, checked off said information on a slip, then handed the paper to an employee and paid while another disgruntled teen would retrieve the boxed item from the back.
Upon arrival at home, and ceremonious opening of product, you discovered that — like all drive through situations — you were missing the ketchup sauce and extra cheese. On cue, you got into a fight with your partner (rather than your children) because children are cute and only assholes yell at cute and unintelligible objects.
Regardless of this shopping manner, Consumers Distributing used to sell feminine personal massage products that looked like a baton. The image accompanying this product was of a woman’s bare shoulder, with her personal massage product hanging off her shoulder just so, so that she might beat the stress out of her exhausted back. Also, if wielded proper, it could be used to crack a burglar over the head, but nowhere was that mentioned in the Consumers catalog.
I am pretty certain I at one point asked my baba to buy this for me, because it was stressful being a 5 year old girl. I imagine this was one of the eventual reasons they divorced.
I still remember the day one of my 7 year old girlfriends (clearly some kind of hooker) explained what a “feminine personal massage product” really was and us, 7 years old, saucer-eyed not knowing what in the f’k she meant or how that was even possible, laughed our selves hysterical while shutting our knees very tightly. Mine are still shut, turns out.
But that is another story for another day.
HI MUM!!
Back to Consumers.
I would become so excited at the prospect of going to Consumers with my parents that I would reach a level of near hysteria and black-out excitement.
Seated in the back seat almost incapable of breathing, I would, as baba came to a rolling stop in the parking lot, shoot running from the backseat and into the store, aimed like an arrow for the Consumers counter. Odd thing, I was not strong enough to pull open the entrance door, and so I would stand like a potato waiting for someone to open the door and usher me in. Usually, I ran right over their kind feet while yelling “SAAAANK YOU” because I was raised polite.
Why the hysteria?
Because they made pencils for Me. Each and every Consumers pencil was made specifically for Children – they were half the size of Adult Pencils and so made with only Me and my pocket-sized brethren in mind.
I coveted the Child Pencils and left Consumers with at least 10 lining my pockets each trip as my mother dragged me screaming things like “there must be something else you can buy!!!!! SHE’S BEATING ME!!!! HELP!!!! ALLAHU AKBAR!!!!!” etc. Honest, if I could have lined my mouth with the pencils, I would have, just to transport more out of the store.
I was grateful for their acknowledgment that the world was not for adults alone. No one has come close since; thank you Consumers Distributing for your attention to the littles, and for this entirely unfocussed and scattered article.
Consumers Distributing
1957 – 1996
R.I.P.
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Image thieved from scienceblogs(dot)com. Thank you!
lol I remember consumers distributing but i don’t remember the feminine personal massage product! Got my first ghetto blaster at the local CD, it was a Candle if I remember correctly.
How is this possible? You would have been around 15 to my 7 years — I would imagine that young boys would have had a good laugh at these!! Re your ghetto blaster, I hope that you held it over your head for your first love, at some point. No 80s would have been complete without ๐
I was 17-18 in 82-83 my gf and I bought
One of these products and thought we were pulling a fast one not using it for its primary purpose lol
If I had had kids I would’ve made sure I gave them the talk b4 they hit 15 !!
Thanks for the great article and trip back in time !!!!!
Thanks for the article as i just did a google search on CD personal massager to joke with some friends !!! I used to love CD, the thought of filling out that little slip and as you hungrily waited for your product to come out on that conveyor from another dimension was spectacular. My gf and I back in 82? 83? purchased one of those personal massagers to eleviate tightness and frustration, great days, great store. This particular location was in Belleville thx again for the funny and interesting article
Steve
Ahhh ghetto blasters !!! They were great !!
I had a couple but I think we got ours at sears, there was a whole mouth watering section of them !!
oh.My.god. I don’t know where to begin with the funny in this entry. I am in tears, maha!!! The sears catalogue also had the massage items! Do they still?
I have had the shittiest day, thank you for making me laugh until Icried. -lily
My brother and i as kids used to go to the feminine undergarment section of the sears catalogue and consequently walk around the house saying bลลbies over and over again hhhhha soo silly but good days no internet no phones ๐
I just laughed so hard, I peed!! I think I figured out what those were in highschool ๐ Always bring the funny, Maha! Always!
Hi to Rob. I loves it when men come out and say hello in a sea of women.
Hugs,
Maria
407122.
As a former employee, I still remember the catalogue number. We had to upsell batteries with that particular item ๐
Pssssss……
Here’s a little secert, look at this information at http://www.consumersdistributing.ca or google consumers distributing returns.
Can we say Holly S#it….. and its true….
Reading again and again and laughing~~!!!!
Your site wasn’t loading for a while last night. ๐
lily — sorry you had a bad day, my love. But happy you found a little laughter here xxo
I don’t know what was happening with my site, only that it was experiencing server issues, and now it had held your comment in moderation. Weird. Hopefully all is fixed.
Maria — it is nice when the men pop by and say hello ๐ Definitely!
HeyMomo — you are a heroine for remembering the actual number!!
Marc — hi and welcome. Another man! They’re coming back?? AMAZING!! Thanks for the info.
I used to LOVE Consumers Distributing!
It was such a great store!
Great post. Never heard of the store
Thanks, Patricia. The store’s a slice of heaven ๐
We never had it here I guess
I remember the number well. At store 54 Dixie and Dundas. We had a lot of fun with it. Long live 407-122. ๐
It was hilarious. I worked at Store 54. Dixie and Dundas.