A former colleague recently spent some time in my office telling me about her new piece. I shall call this friend ‘Green’.
Piece resides in Texas, and so Green’s first (because there is a second) concern was their fear rooted in that Piece resides in Texas, and what? Should Green move? What about Green’s career? What about Green’s life? Friends? Family? Whaaaaaaaat about every other reason under the moon as reason not to give Piece a real and honest shot? (Piece, by the way, has an ailing mumma in their town.)
My advice was to just get on with it; that when you find someone with whom you have a serious and palpable connection — if they are free and available — just go for it. Grapple with them, hitch a piggy-back ride…whatever. Just do it, already, and then appreciate every single moment you have with this person and recognize that connections really and truly deeply are rarely made, and that many people continue to be in situations where the connection has waned, never truly was, and/or never will be.
Don’t worry about geography, unless they live in the DRC or maybe Islamabad, or Yemen right now, or India under Modi as a Muslim, and/or a farmer. If there is nothing tying you to your current spot, like an ailing parent, little seedlings, or a condition for which you must receive regular medical attention and can not in this other part of the world, then just take a deep breath and let yourself free fall.
As a woman with no responsibilities but those concerning myself and the duty I owe my parents, I understand it is far easier for me to say this than others. I will also continue to actively maintain my current level at work and choose not to move upwards (forcing me to boss people around) because I wish to always keep open the possibility of working remotely – something I can not do if anyone reports to me. Reality stands though that today, in this place, with healthy parents and a good job and a crazy amazing circle of friends with whom I am deeply in love (and a much larger one of lovely acquaintances), and a little property, I would set everything aside to bust over and play board games in bed all day with the right man, in Swahagalugoo.
This is a part of my crazy in love leanings. I will burn it all down for the right and good man.
Ultimately, I don’t think anything is impossible, or should be impossible when you meet the right person, someone with whom you connect on every level starting at the physical, winding its way through to your moral foundations, your sense of humour, your ability to communicate, and your approaches to problem solving. Someone who leads with kindness, and respect for you as a human first, a lover second. Someone who
(Communicate! Sex one another lots! Listen to your partner! Have a dance party! Go to bed angry and take it out there so you don’t say anything stupid, you morons! Deal with it in the morning after you’ve had a few goes at one another physically and you’re feeling connected and satiated and you have a clear head (“don’t go to sleep angry” = worst. advice. ever. || “go to sleep angry, have the sexing, then wake up and deal with it” = best. advice. ever.) Simple. Simple. Simple. Life should be simple when it’s not complicated and traumatic and doesn’t always need to be dramatic, though drama is actually fun when both individuals are lunatics. LUNATIC!! CALL ME!! And ‘complicated’ — outside of physical and/or emotional illness, or financial problems (which in many instances we can control) — really is a luxury here in this part of the world.)
Green’s second concern was that would this thing not work out, wouldn’t they come back to Ottawa with their tail between their legs? An astonishing question to me because I have never understood how anyone can feel shame when they open their hearts to love.
Sidebar: Not to be confused with an abusive love; then it’s not shame one should feel, but rather a sense of strength that they gave it a go, understood they deserved a loving union and not an abusive one, and then bowed out.
What possible shame is there in seeing someone and then:
– Thinking ‘Pretty sure I could sex you for a very long time while we make it through a really challenging obstacle course and have a laugh when we don’t want to punch one another in the opinion. And, you look like you can really cook and work a hammer’;
– Giving it a run for its money; and,
– Not having it work out?
How amazing is it to place your ass in a slingshot and sling yourself over to Swahalamalama in order to give this thing we call love a chance? I think it’s brilliant, and I love hearing stories about couples who did what they needed to do in order to be with one another (and didn’t spend the rest of their union lording it over the other one as some fucked up Trump Card of IOU).
As a single girl who is still waiting her turn to connect with one man (seriously, God…love of You! JUST ONE, ALREADY!), but who 98.03% of the time believes that this is only because I am in for some massive fella who will crush me with his love like a Wile Coyote boulder on my head, I am all for moving. I am all for getting out from beneath your fears, and pursuing your excellent sexer to the ends of the earth. Make it work. Live on less money because the happiest people don’t say that ‘time is money’ but rather that ‘love is worth it’. Do the impossible, as a team, to make it work.
Today, Green came into my office to tell me that our conversation had affected her. Today, she has a wee bit of diarrhea and also a ticket to visit Piece. I am lying about one of these things…but only one.
TEAM GREEN + PIECE!
Stole the photo from the super fun site Couple Travelling.
no. way too much riding on my career. But, I would love it if the partner showed understanding and moved for me 🙂
I move for my partner all the time. my partner happens to be an invisible goblin who likes the tropics.
An hour or two away from my family, yes. More than that, if we were just dating…questionable. But then I know that and I look for men that want to stay here with their families too…
I recommend neither living together without marriage or living apart with long distances. I have been through both and appreciate neither. On that note, I would certainly move for someone who loved me.
Yes, but in our house it has really been the other way around. I am the one with the job that requires movement for any real promotion, so glen has basically moved for me when I have had a batter job offer.
Great article. 🙂 There are places he will not move that I would like to, but mostly his skills are highly portable and mine are not, not if I want to be well paid, so he has done the moving. I stayed in Temora a lot longer than I wanted to becaus ehe wanted to stay, but it is a two way street in a healthy relationship as regards who moves for what, where and when.
TEAM JULES *AND* GLEN! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
It works for us. 🙂
Amen. That’s all that matters.
I agree! Just go for it! If its worth it, it is, & if not, its not 🙂 But its worth trying 🙂 #love #relationships #living
Been there and done that…no regrets.
Yes, moved for Fares’s job twice.. I was lucky to get a transfer with my company both times. I have to say that although I miss my family like crazy.. Spending the first few years of our marriage somewhere where we didn’t have anyone but each other made us a lot closer than I think we would have been if we lived closer to family and friends. Good luck to green and piece!!
She did it for me … but I’d do it for her regardless.
Yes I would. To a place that was mutually acceptable. And I’d expect the same!
Hadeel, I agree so much w/ your sentiment that it likely made you closer. I actually think that it’s a GREAT thing for a couple to start off alone and separate so that they can build their Unit together without outside interference.
Tom — I love you two.
Kristin — As you should!! 🙂
Yes. I moved for Saaid while he finished residency and his ultrasound fellowship. When he’s done in June he’s moving for me so I can finish up my degrees, and law school. So yes, but it depends a great deal on the partner. He/She has to be someone who appreciates the move, understands the sacrifice, and is willing to to the same for you if need be. And in agreement w/your friend Hadeel, it was nice to live on our own the first two years, away from both out families. It allowed us to form our own sense of our married self w/o influence and brought us much much closer than we would have been of we lived near friends/family.
Met my bf at a hockey game 21 years ago. He moved from Boston to NY 19 years ago. Together still.
I can’t go anywhere for 13 years (boy 2 is five, and his dad lives here). After that, I will go anywhere (so long as I can come home and visit).
That’s when you know its love. When you’ll give up everything – you won’t have to, but you would.
(and note to self – if he doesn’t feel that way about you, move on.)
Lovely article Maha. Reminds me of our own love story. Fiona and I had a long distance relationship for 5 years: four of those years I was here and Fiona (we were not yet married then) was in Toronto, then for one year she was in Scotland. The only thing that kept me here was that I had two elderly parents to take care of and no siblings. I could travel for short periods of time to visit her, but moving over there was unrealistic. Otherwise, I would have. But 14 years of marriage and 4 children later… My parents, (who were my mother and grandmother) loved Fiona from the first time they met her, and I am happy that they at least lived long enough to be at our wedding and at least meet one (in the case of my grandmother) and two of our daughters. When my mother and grandmother both became seriously ill (at the same time) which eventually lead to their passing away two years apart, Fiona was there by my side just as if it was her parents too. For the first time in my life I did not have to bear it all alone, though taking care of my mother and grandmother was NEVER a burden. I have been truly blessed with this woman in my life for all sorts of reasons, and now four little ones are blessing us both even further. It is my fervent wish that you may live this same happiness, in your case with a truly wonderful man.
Dave and I moved to Kelowna, then Victoria for his job. We were out there for 12 years. I was head over heels for him and there wasn’t ever any doubt that we would go west together. I’d say it has worked out pretty well. 😉
Yes we’ve both done it, everything works out as it should when it feels right 🙂
I did. Steve got a great job opportunity here in Calgary. I LOVED Vancouver and never thought I would leave but we took the chance and it was amazing. We became each others support system which is tough when you dont have friends around (solid girl friends!). We learned so much about each other without any distractions- which could have been bad haha but turned us into such good friends and partners. Totally think it helped us go forward into marriage and parenting.
Yup. Did. And so did she.
Well, me and my partner both dont want to live in eachothers hometowns so we’re packin up and headin out to bc together 🙂 Does that count 😉
Thank you for sharing all of your inspired and inspiring stories xxo
I think it depends on why the partner is moving. I would move under the condition that I will be comfortable in the new place on levels that are important to me.
Best of luck to Team Green/Piece! Their story makes me smile because I know in my heart this kind of thing is scary but can work and it is worth it. I love what you’ve written here Maha, it’s so happy and hopeful.
Yes. Anyone who is capable of moving and does not move to be with a partner who is incapable of moving is not the right partner.
Additionally, Maha, if one partner must move for one reason or another and the other does not wish to join them, then they are also not the right partner.
I echo Kent’s comment that “It is my fervent wish that you may live this same happiness, in your case with a truly wonderful man”.
You are filled with a hope and an energy very few people possess and these are among the multitude of characteristics which will drive the right man to pursue you until he is lucky enough to consider you his.
Depends where. Eg mtl or to we’d probably keep our respective careers and ‘figure it out’ as we went along. Van would be yes, Yukon not…costa rica absolutely, ivory coast however prob not. Get the drift.
I’m going to this island in Galešnjak to live off the land and find myself. Coming?
O mein Gott. It’s gorgeous!!
My answer is: Yes.
While you find yourself, I will learn how to make cheese. Please bring a cow.
Rob. Looks like you’ve got the right idea. Good on you, mate.
Maha. If things don’t work out on that island, I don’t mind taking having his sloppy seconds. Pick your island.
Your Viking asked you to go to The Island of Love?!!!!!!!!!!
HE IS SO HOT.
HI ROB/I’LL GO TO THE ISLAND WITH YOU IF MAHA WILL LET ME COME.
What color are his eyes? HIS EYES!
I have a crush on your Viking. -lily
Steve: I’ll keep your offer in mind, thank you. Only, you must see my request for a cow, and raise it…
Lily, my love: You are amazing and infectious and I love you something fierce.
The Viking’s eyes are a really pedestrian shade of brown, but he Photoshopps his photos to make them appear blue.
You’re such a giver! 🙂
Not mine to give, Lily.