The last time I was officially part of a club was grade 8 Dungeons and Dragons club. I was the only girl; none of us were dating anyone, my crush was on either Don Johnson or Kirk Cameron because I toggled between daddy issues and loving Bible thumpers who didn’t believe in dinosaurs.
I’m bringing this up because people keep telling me to “join a club” so I can meet men and go out on dates.
What club, a**holes?
This advice, by the way, it comes from people who have not been on the dating scene for years. It’s these same people who often tell me to get online and start online dating. Online dating? It’s where sociopaths convene and send you messages like ‘I want you to sit on my face. Hi my name is Tom.’ So, essentially, the only guaranteed place to meet all of the men who will eventually murder you in your sleep.
Just moments ago I was in Hartman’s grocery shopping. By ‘grocery shopping’, I mean I was head-first in the watermelon bin poking around for the largest watermelon and thinking ‘lift with your knees, not with your back, Maha’. When I popped up, proud to have spent 8 minutes of my life looking for the watermelon that was 2.3″ bigger than the rest (I FOUND YOU!), I made eye contact with a beautiful man. Obey sweatshirt, baseball hat on backwards, longish dark hair, body clearly belonging to an athlete (confirmation of this is when the size of their calves match the size of their broad shoulders, by the way). He was like a darker Tim Riggins and I nearly dropped and cracked my watermelon; definitely a euphemism.
For the rest of my time in Hartman’s, we walked past each other smiling. And then we paid at sister cashes. And then I left.
Empty. Nothing but a note to self to go back next Sunday and hang out by the watermelon bin.
On my walk home, I was wondering what I should have done. Should I have asked him to walk my watermelon home for me? Should I have given him my number and risked looking like a lunatic who hands out her number to men in grocery stores and who is Looking For Mr Goodbar? What would you have done? What have you done?
I ask because I have committed myself to officially dating. I have never been a robo-dater, but I don’t feel as though I have much of a choice anymore. I want to sit on the couch and watch tv and movies with a new piece; I want to share secrets with him; I want to poke fun at other people with him; I want him to bring me coffee in bed and eat watermelon with me when I am sad. Why is this such a hard order to fill?
In the past while, I went out on two dates; one an absolute disaster and the other nice but no cigar. On my way home from the former, I was imagining myself Sparta kicking him in the belly and yelling “THIS IS DATING!” which, I mean, it’s not very productive.
Send me your secrets. Tell me where and how you met your piece and which clubs to join. I am officially on the market for an adventure partner.
Yes, sweetheart. Bite the bullet and strike up a convo at the grocery. Or just hand him your name and number. Also, sweets, online dating is not nearly so scary as you think. Yes, there are a tremendous amount of losers (just like in real life), but yes, there are some amazing men too. And, I mean, clearly there are some amazing women online too, since I am from time to time.
Well, I have had two dates with guys I met at the grocery store . . . neither of which were screaming successes. I “think” they were good guys, but not really in the right head space. The fact that the only thing I really knew about them was the fact that they ate food . . . not really a recipe for success.
I have however had some really decent dates through match.com and eharmony. And met some good friends. I am slightly less awkward when writing, and seeing what someone else writes and chooses to write about themselves both in their profiles and through emails gives me the time and space to think about what they have to say, rather than just reacting and thinking “oh this sounds like fun. Lets to it!” and then I get myself in silly situations.
I don’t know that there is a magic trick to dating and finding the right guy . . . I’ve had clients who met online, people who have met in the mall, people who met playing baseball and doing meetup hiking.
But you know my success rate 🙂 so I don’t know that taking any of my advice is useful. (But I feel your pain. If I hear one more time “be yourself. stop looking and you’ll find him. look online. join a group. . .” from people who are happily (or not so) coupled, I might lose my mind.
I am definitely biting the bullet next time and just handing a man my number. Worst thing that can happen is he doesn’t ring and then I’ll just feel sorry for him (my ego is TREMENDOUS). I have tried online dating – several times over the course of the last few years and I have had absolutely no success. If anything, for me, it has been completely and totally disastrous. And extremely depressing. So it’s just no longer an option. I’d rather join a club.
PS Though I have friends who are now in successful relationships after meeting their piece online. So I know it has worked for some. Though they are the exception to the rule, it seems.
Can I get a hallelujah? Treat it like you’re looking for a new job. Be choosy but stay open minded.
Well, love, volunteering is never a bad idea. If you find a cause that suits your heart and the same appeals to him, it’s a good sign. I’ve been through some online disasters too. I just like that I can talk to them beforehand so I know at least a bit about them. Makes me feel safer for some stupid reason. Dating is not for the faint of heart. Best of luck, my sister.
Finding people to date online is not hard ; finding someone with whom you share that elusive chemistry as well as compatibility in terms of life goals and the way your personalities interact: that is hard!
Hallelujah, amen, Carol. You and me both.
Jenn / Paul: I am just going to start giving every breathing male my phone number. I should have started with the musician last night, so I will the next time I see him…one of the benefits of having a friend own a restaurant. Harassment, apparently.
Well, why not? And you might make some friends that way too
i am so happy you are back on facebook and you’re inspired and writing!!!!!!!!!! i will never understand how you are still single. men are INSANE to let you walk on by maha.
my advice is give your number to everyone. play the odds!!
I was thinking of having calling cards made. Those were such a great idea. Only, I think now I would look like a desperate freak
Until you meet a man who also has calling cards…
i have no help, as i met my girl in the dark ages, but can i just second what marcy said? why any (every) dude is not in love with you I do not understand.
oh–in my experience, friends know the best people to fall in love with.
I agree with Sage, although I also feel like all too often falling in love is the easy part, for the reasons I outlined above. I hope I’m not being overly negative here
Doll, you’re hilarious. Not every male. But the hot ones in age range that aren’t in that very second making asses of themselves.
1. Always be yourself
2. Be positive and optimistic (the Law of attraction and all)
3. Go to all barbeques and weddings you are invited to
4. Meet guys that your friends and family match you up with, atleast one date
5. Reconsider Eharmony or Match (my good friend met her Muslim husband there and they are perfect for each other)
6. Volunteer in things that you feel passionate about, you are more likely to find someone you share core values with there than a passerby on a street
7. Most importantly, continue to ask God for guidance
just read above that you tried online dating and it hasn’t worked. Have you tried the one where you have to pay a little money and do personality tests etc? Those might be more accurate. It almost worked for Ted Mosby…
eHarmony! yes! Thank you for the list Sam!!
I would do these things with you and you could sleep with whomever you want!
You’ll be my Friend With No Benefits?! COME. OVER. IMMEDIATELY.
Volunteer. Yes! And do give your number out to select individuals. They’d be foolish not to call you. And if they are fools, no need for them anyway. You’re drop-dead gorgeous and that’s only a secondary awesome quality of yours. Good luck!
You all are too good to me. That’s it; I’m going to start looking for volunteer gigs…!
At the very least volunteering will be one of the best parts of your week/life.