This beauty is Azooza. She arrived yesterday evening and this afternoon, we finally got into the first of our two places here in Málaga. Being both featured in Min Fami, we met some years back at a reading we did in Toronto. Since then, we have discussed writing a play together, but had simply never managed to do so. Maybe this time, maybe here in Spain, or maybe in the next country. Point is, it’s nice to have a fellow traveler open to popping around anywhere or not.
Curled into our living room, hot tea in hand, we were discussing that my week here has been one spent by myself, my first time alone since October. Though there were a handful of days alone in Paris, they were in a home with which I was very familiar, and at ease. Home to Jenn, it didn’t leave any room for me to feel alone, though I was very literally exactly this; she was there with me in the furniture, the clothes, the art work.
As a woman who has traveled alone extensively, who lives alone, who loves alone time, who finds herself her own best conversationalist, I did not understand why this fear had rooted. Speaking about it tonight, I realized that it was because I went from believing that I was a part of a team, to suddenly, zip; one moment I was ‘I’m never going to feel lonely!’, and the next I was ‘I will 4evah be lonely and alone. 4EVAAAAAAAH.’ (Subconsciously, self-preservation kicked in and I did the impossible to not be alone. I moved in with momma in October and November. I mapped every trip out to only see beloveds, while ignoring dozens of gorgeous spaces where I had neither family nor friends.)
He and I had built an entire future together, as a team. From the possibility of children, to the colour-scheme he thought I would change as soon as I moved in, to the home we would start building in preparation for retirement.
Sidebar: Whenever anyone has asked me What do you think you will like most about being married?, my answer has always been so simple. I’ll love being part of a team!! (Exclamation marks included. Emotionally, I glorify and romanticize the union, while cognitively, I am fully aware that far too many individuals in committed relationships often feel very much alone, and lonely.)
From October until sometime perhaps last month, the idea of being somewhere alone, gave rise to complete and total panic.
Then tonight. A conversation and realization that not only had I been here alone, but not once had the above fear crossed my path. In fact, on Tuesday, my first night here, I had messaged momma a simple I forgot how much I loved being alone. I’m so happy!
Healing. Healing behind our own backs. What a beautiful thing it is.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Being able to track my healing. (Being this self-involved has its benefits, I guess.)
2. Poppy becoming more comfortable with telephone calls. Because this means she now calls me while I’m trying not to fall into the Sea or drop my phone into wet sand.
3. Mixing salt-crushed garlic with plain yogurt. So dreamy in my tummy.
Málaga | March 23, 2019