The Will To Destruct

The sign had the same text in Arabic, Hebrew, and also Mandarin. I wonder if the inside of the home is as colourful as its shell?

I cancelled everything last night and opted to stay in. I watched a couple of movies to exhaust myself to sleep.

When I woke up, I started getting ready and was hit with an intense bout of nausea that forced me into the chair and pushed my head between legs to take long deep breaths. This was a first, so most definitely connected to yesterday’s events though I wasn’t thinking about them when the nausea hit.

I decided to return the car and stick to my feet and bicycle instead. I had wanted to visit Palm Springs, but that can happen another time, inshAllah.

Thank you to everyone who reached out, but especially to Poppy who offered to fly down to sit next to me. Thank you.

I’m typing and can feel ocean on my skin. There is a wind today, unlike other days since my arrival, and though I’m laying in my usual spot, the wind is strong enough that it’s bringing the ocean right to me. I am not complaining.

Last night, I found myself understanding why people behave in certain destructive ways after facing death. It’s the easiest emotion to follow down the rabbit hole. Shock, panic and sadness hit first, then a will to destroy some part of yourself. I think…I think it’s because, though we theoretically understand that life can end at any moment, facing this precise reality hits on a basic/instinctual level.

Ultimately, destroying a part of our bodies is potentially a very extreme way to feel alive, and provides a semblance of control over our destiny, doesn’t it? (Consider the psychological drivers for self-cutting, here.)

So like I wrote, I cancelled everything and stayed in instead. It was the right decision. Because this will to destroy was lost in sleep, but repercussions of the actions themselves would not have been.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. A healing toe. The bruise has all but faded over the last week, and I can now wear my sandals without feeling too much pinch. Hoping the next week brings all of the healing.
2. Quokkas. You fill hearts.
3. Patrick D, who asked me if I would model their new sandals because I have nice feet. No, but thanks for the compliment. I checked out your designs, and your work is gorgeous. More on American men tomorrow.

California | Day 248 | August 5, 2019

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