The Monumental

Who wants to think of the future when the present is this fucking monumental? (1)

I came across that yesterday evening and haven’t stopped repeating it to myself. Because this is the truth, isn’t it? And the word to note  is Monumental. This statement isn’t telling us that life is without struggle, pain, trauma, or injustice. Instead, it’s reminding us that to be alive right now is truly an extraordinary thing.

Every feeling and experience in this exact moment is so exceptional, why would we think of anything other than? When you think about us, when you really think about what we mean – bundles of cells, blood, skin who feel and intend and then do? Fucking wild, really.

We are, each of us, a single and brilliant thing of beauty. Even the monsters among us (because how could we shine, if it weren’t for them?). And nothing can diminish from this truth.

As I mentioned very briefly yesterday, a few things have been creeping up and inflicting unkindness on my heart. Not external objects or events, but rather internal thoughts that did, because I was not vigilant, possess such power over my heart-state. Truly, I sometimes wonder how much weight a thought might have if we could pull such thoughts out of our ears and transmogrify them into physical weight; I doubt if the earth would still rotate as it does.

And all my fears, they are each of them rooted in the future. Right now, my life is golden. In fact, even in pain, even in war, even when I have felt as though someone had unzipped my chest and left fingerprints on my insides, my life was monumental just by virtue of its being.

I just wish I wouldn’t keep forgetting.

(1) Thank you to Sea Wall / A Life. This quote alone may become the straw that breaks the camel’s back right in front of your ticket sales link. Really, I need to understand the why / context of this line.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Exercise. I pounded the shit out of my body for 45 minutes and nearly threw up in the process. I’ve had too much energy and needed to bleed myself out tonight.
2. Lightning storms. We sat on the back porch, sheltered, waiting for the rain to close in on us. This world is so stunning.
3. Watching movies in bed. There is actually nothing better.

Lethbridge | Day 207 | June 25, 2019

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