While out to dinner a couple of night ago, Kareem asked me what I’ve learned so far during this sabbatical. I gave him my two instinctive responses, which still hold true, the most omnipresent of the lessons thus far.
First, that I have greatly enjoyed doing nothing. A planner by nature, that was one of the greatest fears I had going into this sabbatical – what am I going to do? It’s a part of the reason that I committed myself to documenting on the daily. Having neither concrete plan nor direction for the past six+ months has proven so freeing.
Second, that my need for love had made me easy prey. This need, it was both internally, as well as culturally driven (mind, it’s easy to argue that the internal is rooted in the cultural, so perhaps these two things are in fact not so distinct from one another). That I was easy prey, I knew it was happening every time I turned away from a red flag trying to shove itself into my eyeballs, but I did it anyway. My family knew it, my friends knew it, some of them tried to yell at me (hi Poppy), but I was so blinded by the need itself that I responded louder than all of them. Until Allah decided enough of my shit and he blew the situation apart so loudly and traumatically, that the crime scene is too jumbled to bother even looking for body parts.
While the excitement to meet a real love still exists, it is no longer one which is as blinding as it has been for the past few years. And this second lesson has defined every engagement since, and will continue to do so. I have not felt lighter, while equally more fulfilled in years. Years.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. The fact that I am still writing on the daily. What a journey.
2. Slow rolling days. We fed some squirrels by the water and didn’t say too much of anything to one another, a welcome and peaceful pace.
3. Books on Beechwood, Octopus Books, Perfect Books, Singing Pebble Books, and Venus Envy, all of whom are now carrying rose-water syrup for those of you in Ottawa wishing to shop locally. ❤️
Ottawa | June 9, 2019